At the start of pregnancy, I was in full ‘evidenced based’ obstetrician mode, volunteering myself for induction at 39wks at my first appointment. Something that would later contribute to the self blame & shame I felt. Every time I performed an emergency cs during my pregnancy, I had this slightly sick feeling of premonition that I tried to ignore, as though I knew induction wasn’t the right choice.
With the induction date looming, I tried everything including seven, (yes 7!) sweeps, but nothing got me in to labour. I was also completely fixated on having the team I wanted & trusted around if I was to go in to spontaneous labour & the concern it would happen when they weren’t available was overpowering.
I even texted a doctor friend leading up to send me the on call rota. I was putting out such conflicting messages. Outwardly saying I’m ready, but inwardly living in fear that I would spontaneously labour at the ‘wrong’ time. No wonder my poor body didn’t know what to do. I was trying to control something so utterly primitive & instinctual.
The induction was calm & I was treated incredibly well. The pic is me doing some yoga after my waters had been broken (I couldn’t look at these for a good 9 months after). I spent 5 hours on the hormone drip, contracting every 2-3 mins, using a TENS & eventually gas & air. The pain was intense, but I focussed, breathed through it & fixated on staying mobile. I was examined & there was no change, I felt so crushed that these contractions had seemingly done nothing & so I had an epidural. After 9 hours on the drip, another exam was still the same, but my cervix was now more swollen. I felt so utterly gutted & it was with tears rolling down my face that I agreed to a caesarean.
I felt like I had no choice and not from duress. My team had a couple of hours left of their shift & I didn’t want them to feel obliged to stay, but I also feared judgement as a doctor for not following the rational plan being presented to me. I didn’t want to be non-compliant. It feels so ridiculous now.
In theatre, a place familiar and normally comfortable for me, was the most terrifying moment. My epidural wasn’t working & was removed & a spinal inserted. There was a concern that if the block ended up too high from the spinal, they would need to put me to sleep. I felt completely out of control. My heart was racing & I was frozen with fear that I wouldn’t be awake to meet my baby & my partner would not be there either. I remember grabbing my midwife & saying, asking her to promise me if they had to put me to sleep that they’d take my son directly to my partner. I was very lucky & other than bleeding quite a lot, it all went okay & I met my beautiful boy awake & with love.
In the weeks & months after, I felt huge shame & failure that I hadn’t birthed my baby in the way I had wanted. I didn’t want to tell anyone at first. The social media rhetoric of so many birth accounts fed in to my feelings of inadequacy, making me feel like I just hadn’t tried hard enough. I replayed over & over again the events leading up to the birth & whether the outcome would have been different if I’d made different choices, if I’d spoken up a little more. When I started to tell people, I’d just collapse in sobbing uncontrollable tears.
The amount of people who said to me ‘at least you & your baby are okay’, was quite phenomenal. As if I couldn’t grieve the birth I wanted & also be grateful that we were both okay. THE TWO AREN’T MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE! It compounded the guilt & sadness that went along with this time. My post natal journey brought it’s own issues & is something I’ll leave for a separate post.
At around 9 months I started some therapy & subsequently had EMDR, which was incredibly transformative for me. In the months since, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on this experience & am doing okay. What isn’t lost on me though, is that I, as an obstetrician, with apparently all the knowledge & experience to empower me, could feel so helpless & unable to find my voice. It makes me feel so much more acutely aware of the experiences of so many others out there, especially those from marginalised groups & has made me question everything about the system we have in place.
